Thursday

The Relationship Oxymoron

Photo courtesy of Glamalife
"Become the kind of person, the kind of person 
you would like to marry, would like to marry." Douglas Wilson


I hear the advice of relationship "experts" and "authorities" on the subject of finding and keeping a man or woman. The meat of their advice has to do with what we should be "looking" for in the other person. Wrong. What they're not telling us is, what we "look" for in others, we have to possess ourselves. Our expectations aren't unrealistic, they just aren't being owned by us. For example: We want him/her to be body-tastic and we don't like working out or eating right. Result: Gut and cellulite. Really? Let me yell into the bullhorn for a sec, we have to be what we want to attract. We are magnets.
We pull to us who we are. Not us on paper, not even us, the shell of the exterior, but who we really are on the inside. A lot of women, have the complaint of "I keep attracting x kind of guy". Secret: the untended to mess lying dormant on the inside of us, that we bury and don't work through, is the thing screaming and attracting that certain "type" of guy.

We have to take responsibility for ourselves. We aren't victims. This means, if we want something better, we have to do better, fundamentally. It's easier, we think to work on the other person. We desire our mate to be perfect, to balance out our being ratchet. Is that fair to them? I'm sure they'd agree it's not. Not only is it unfair, it's also unnecessary, because you have the power to work and improve you. You have NO control over the other person at all. "When we don't want to deal with ourselves, we take the focus off of us and we put the focus on other people." Bishop Terrell Murphy

I've learned through my relationship lessons, that I couldn't have expectations of my partner that I didn't possess myself. If I wanted him to be kind, I had to be kind. I'm caring, so in turn it made him desire to care for me. I'm learning how to be a better me and in turn, in places where they say, "there are no good men", I've found this statement a blatant lie. There are plenty of "good men" available and willing, but the "relationship oxymoron" of something for nothing has made women's vision blurry and expectations unrealistic for the sake of this example (men as well). They want value where they have none to give in return. There is no such thing as something for nothing, it merely just doesn't exist. Relationships are not the exception. A relationship is not an ATM, we can't just make withdrawals and no deposits. It has to be a mutually beneficial experience.

You want to know what to do to get the type of mate you desire? Model the behavior you desire. Be friendly, loving, kind, caring, funny, outgoing, intelligent, successful, financially stable, a good cook, well traveled. You have control over your part. If, you don't know how, learn. To be loved, you have to be loving. Start with making yourself friendly, this makes you attractive. We don't need any more books on why, now we can shift the focus on how to do better. Starting with Lust Have! Learn how to nourish the people you love.

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha