Friday

Weekly Reflection - Brick Walls

Brick Wall, Genoa, Italy 2014

“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” 
― Randy PauschThe Last Lecture

I keep reminding myself, if it were easy everyone would be doing it. That statement hasn't been particularly comforting as of late. In the self-publishing world, this statement really doesn't apply. Everyone is doing it, but everyone is not doing it well and doing it successfully. It's not enough for me to just be doing it, it matters to me to be among the best. It matters to me, to defy the odds and to break records and to be able to make a difference by writing change on people's insides. I don't believe in impossible. There is no such thing as far as I'm concerned. In my world anything is possible and everything is negotiable. 

The walls are there, they have a purpose. They tell you what they are trained to tell you. They expect you to call the first time, a second and possibly even a third time. They are hired to read you a script, to keep you at arm's length and to spin you in the maze. I know because I used to be on the other side, a gatekeeper, paid to filter through. They count on you getting discouraged, giving up, and going try something else and hence starting the cycle over and over again.

This has been a particularly challenging week. I can see more and more of the cliche statements people make ringing true with each step I take forward. I can understand why people reach a certain point and then turn back. I can empathize with them. What I can't do is concede. What they didn't count on is me. I'm desperate. Desperate because I don't have anything else to do with my life except to work everyday to become one of the best writers that's ever lived. It's not about fame for me, it's about what it's taken for me to get to this point. The hell I've come through with significant weight on my back. The hope I carry in my testimony and the gift I can give of touching someone with my words on paper. Giving them a different outlook on their situation. When you get desperate you're passed the stage of needing a thing, you are pushed beyond logic and you are irrational and urgent with your approach to get the thing deemed absolutely necessary for your survival. 

Yes, the wall is there. Well protected and dauntingly high. I will take a breath, wipe the sweat from my hands and rest. Bright on Monday morning, I will be back at it. My response no longer being, thank you for your time. My response now being, thank you and I will speak with you tomorrow because the hell with it. I've got absolutely nothing to lose. One of us will eventually give in. I've got the rest of my life. I'm in no hurry, but the wall will not be what keeps me out. At this point, nothing will. The only thing that was stopping me was me and I have since moved myself out of the way. I'm now the other person. The desperate one, who won't stop, can't stop.

~C. Nzingha