The Gift of Goodbye | Love Them from a Distance

Hudson River at Sunset, Window View | New York, NY 2010

2013 was a lonely year. One of my loneliest to date. Many people were removed from my life, many relationships had to be severed in order for me to grow and move forward in life and closer to where God wants me to be in His life. In some cases the other person was prompted to leave me and in others I had the strength to leave and walk away. Regardless of who initiated the farewell, I was forced to learn the gift of goodbye and the process and reality of loving from a distance. However, it is much easier said than done. Like the quote, I had no aptitude for it, I clutched and clutched, only to find I was grasping emptiness. Then I had to face reality, there was nothing left to hold on to. I would have to let it go.

At first, it can devastating. The pain, excruciating. When you have someone you're connected to; a best friend, a romantic partner, a close family member who becomes a permanent and important fixture in your life. You don't want to think about how life would without them. They are a part of you. Intricately woven into the fabric of your being. Until they're not anymore. At least not in the way they once were. We have been taught by society to reject change and to fear it. Why? When it is the only true constant in our lives. We change every day, we evolve, we grow, we improve (hopefully), and so do the people around us. We grow apart, we separate, we can't continue in the state of how the relationship used to be. We leave.

“Every meeting led to a parting, and so it would, as long as life was mortal. 

In every meeting there was some of the sorrow of parting, but in everything parting there was some of the joy of meeting as well.” 

― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

Then slowly you realize life can and does go on without them. Maybe life improves even. Maybe you all were stunting each other's growth. Maybe you were holding back parts of you in order to make them happy. Maybe you were putting their needs in front of yours and sacrificing parts of you for the sake of the relationship. Maybe the relationship wasn't as healthy for you as you thought it was. There is a cliche' we often here, "people who can walk out of your life so easily, weren't meant to be there in the first place." I disagree. Who says that their walking away from you was easy for them at all? It just might have been necessary.

Every single person whom I've had the privilege of being close to on my journey in life has taught be something when I was ready, willing and open to learn it. About life, about the different layers of myself, about my hidden ugliness, about my hidden beauty, helped me to become better, more loving, more patient, more compassionate, strengthened me in some way and multiplied my joy and happiness. For me to dismiss the experiences, the time shared, the memories created, would mean I would have to fill in that space with bitterness, regret and anguish, which curses the blessing. I'll pass. I've found it to be much better to allow the space to stay occupied with the love that was created in it. It existed before the person arrived and it will exist after they are gone. I don't need for it to be replaced or erased, it was a blessing to me in some way. I'm learning how to seek out the blessings in the lessons. Goodbyes are necessary and inevitable. There will always be someone entering and exiting your life on some level. 

A gentleman, I was crazy about once, stunned me with his abrupt exit out of my life for no apparent reason at the time, and without explanation. However, before his departure, he was an immense inspiration in my work, he reignited my belief in the love I believe in, gave me hope that there exists somewhere on this planet, someone who speaks my love language(s), and taught me again, how to enjoy every single small thing because it makes me feel more alive.

When I think about him or a friend who I care about, but am no longer in touch with. I send them good energy, positive thoughts, and my love in the wind. I speak a blessing over them and let them know I am thinking about them by simply saying so out loud. Knowing somehow they hear me in their spirit. Because at the very core of us, we are all connected. I don't stop loving them because they are no longer in my life. In some instances my love has intensified more in their absence and grew strong only after there was no longer a formal relationship.

It's a new year, a new beginning, we have a new slate and the opportunity to make everything we desire to go right, go right in our lives. Resist the urge to drag stale, unfruitful relationships along with you on your journey this year. They are dead weight. Pray for the ability to learn the gift of goodbye and learn to love them from a distance. You don't have to be with them in order to love them. The relationship might have died of natural causes or it might have been killed off. Either way, if it's dead, has no signs of life, is unhealthy for you, leave it. Resist the urge to cling to relationship corpses. Walk away and leave it in your yesterday. Embrace the possibilities of new beginnings in life & love.

“I love you more than songs can say, 

but I can't keep running after yesterday...” 

― John Mayer - Battle Studies

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha