In Real Life: The Dream turned Nightmare
Merriam Webster defines a dream as:
A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. 2. A daydream; a reverie. 3. A state of abstraction; a trance. 4. A wild fancy or hope.
5. A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration: a dream of owning their own business.
6. One that is exceptionally gratifying, excellent, or beautiful: Our new car runs like a dream.
When I was a little girl, I dreamed then of being a lawyer, living in a highrise building with a doorman and driving a Corvette(Barbie was a bad influence). The law degree I decided I wasn't that enthused about after all as college came and left, so the lawyer dreams evolved to my wanting to be a best-selling author and living in New York City. Recently, I have been able to experience living my dreams out in real life...except that the dream in reality really sucks a rats big toe. I mean for real, this is what I was waiting for and working so hard for? WTH?
Dream Car: I am terrified and have no desire to drive in this city. Not to mention the astronomical expense and liabilty it is to have a car in the city and then add the horrible conditions of the road, the cab drivers and the fact that if you don't have a gargage your car is open to constant abuse, winter weather and terrible traffic congestion (constant accidents and repairs). You have to buy a bucket or use public trans. Not really what I had in mind as an adult.
Dream Career: I am on my way to best-seller status...this dream is still a reality I am going to keep pushing forward with. It was easier to achieve in my dreams. I don't remember the detail of actually having to write anything in my dreams, but somehow I was doing it as an author. lol It's definitely a challenge, but is richly rewarding on so many different levels. I am what I am. A writer. Private, skilled with the written word, creative with a vivid imagination, idealistic and had a troubled childhood, which I am told make for a great and successful writer. Write on.
Dream City: Sex in the City my buns. I love New York. It's a great city. However, I have realized over the last four years, it was much more enjoyable when I visited and left to go home elsewhere. Living here is hell. Literally. I got used to the mean natured residents, the over-crowdedness and the high cost of everything, but I travel quite often and everytime I come back I wonder, why the hell I come back after leaving places where there is no trash on the street, no packed subway car, etc. I have friends that pay less on a mortgage than I do to live in Manhattan for a small box called an apartment. It's def not anything close to what I envisioned inside my head.
Dream Guy: When I lived in LA, I LOVED NY men. Period. It got no better than them. Now that NY is home, the high-strung, ultra-arrogant, power hungry, workaholic, foul mouth dudes are repulsive. So, dating here has been rough and maintaining a relationship even more complicated, having to pencil in date nights and qt sessions...no literally syncing BB's.
Rationally looking at all these facts, the logical thing would be to pack up and go elsewhere to live out the last dream that I'm left with, now that the others have been somewhat shattered. The only thing with this is my mind has been programmed to believe this is where I am SUPPOSED to be. I don't know how to shut it off now that it is not all that I thought it would be, better put, it doesn't come close. My quality of live was much better every other place I have lived compared to here.
Right now, all I want is to find a log cabin on a lake and have a better quality of life, write and travel. I didn't have a plan "B" in mind cause this was "the dream". *insert sad face here" Now, that I have said it out loud, maybe my mind will begin to adjust and I will be able to digest the fact that this isn't working and change might not be a bad thing afterall.
In the end, it's all about perspective. How you choose to look at things. On the higher note, I have accomplished yet another goal on my endless life to-do list and making room for new and improved ones that fit the grown women I have become. Like your tastebuds, desires and goals are everchanging. What used to work, might not do it for you anymore. The question is: Do you have the guts to do something about it?
*I'm off to find my log cabin*
Posted by C. Nzingha Smith